The Mirror of Marriage and Family
May 2, 2008
By Mary Andres
The role of family for candidates is an important one. We look at how someone manages within one system as an indicator of how he or she will function in another. Americans idealize presidents in an old-fashioned way, similar to the idealization of a parent. Does the president show respect for his or her partner? Will the president show that same respect for us and satisfy our needs?
As we move away from traditional sex roles and come to see contemporary marriages as true partnerships more than as hierarchies, the partner relationships in our leaders can teach us a lot. Are they patient with one another, protective of each other’s backs, forgiving, turn-takers, decisive as needed, and respectful of the needs of the other?
Even failures in a marriage — such as the troubles between Bill and Hillary Clinton — have the potential to be illuminating.
Infidelity can be a humanizing experience. It also shows a mature, nuanced model of what “for better or worse” means. Many people say that they would dump the cheater in a heartbeat, but real life is complex, a series of gains and losses, of evaluating costs and benefits. We approach one another as flawed human beings in all phases of adult life. Our president deals with world leaders, a divided Congress, and all kinds of influential people who are not pristine in what they are offering. The president works on trade agreements and addresses human rights violations. A president — like a spouse — needs to place priority on what is important in life, not give a self-righteous knee-jerk reaction to being wronged. That is my idea of a sane, thoughtful leader.
Offspring can also reflect well on a candidate. Chelsea Clinton specifically represents so many Americans of a generation who saw her grow up as an awkward child into a poised and beautiful adult. She can speak in a way that draws people in. She is not contentious, but a believer.
This is a time when touching people’s despair and modeling the benefits of being raised well can trigger the hunger of those who have felt ignored and disenfranchised by their parents and leaders. Recently Jon Stewart talked on The Daily Show about the word “elitist” being used as a negative; he said we should want leaders who think they know better than us. I would add that this is just what we as children wanted from our parents. So the offspring of our candidates are in an excellent position to be models of a parent who has done a good job.
Mary Andres, licensed clinical psychologist and assistant professor of Clinical Education in the USC Rossier School of Education’s Marriage and Family Therapy Program, is an expert on couples’ counseling and communication skills.